Wearing labels like Prada.

My favourite quote is the Henry ford quote: 

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”

I don’t know if I have ADHD but presume so, (as my friends pull the familiar face as I, once again go off on some sort of tangent).

I don’t particularly need the diagnosis, I am happy enough with the understanding that I have, I have also found ways to manage and prepare myself in the main, I like the idea of medication but I have somewhere along the lines (I am 53 writing this) found ways to make life work for me, I have found them all the hard way, like having three projects on the go at once to get anything done, or making myself put my keys in the same place each time as I get home, bribing myself to brush my teeth, wash my face, not the horrifically disabling ADHD that some people and some clients experience, but perhaps the more, AU-ADHD, that I have spent years labelling as, “Creativity”. This has come with it’s challenges especially when I have watched my friends (in admiration) do as a routine the ‘basic’ life movements. I self justified my lack as my distracted mindset… ‘I am a “creative” after all’.

While my friends and colleagues ace at the fundamentals of life, doing all the impressive things like regular admin, work accounting, phone calls even sensible eating hours and ordinary day to day planning, mine is a maelstrom of procrastination and misplaced determination but somehow everything gets chucked in the mental mixer and miraculously all comes good in the end.

I know there are good things that my difference brings so even given the option of being typical I would probably say no.

What my ‘difference’ has given me:

The ability to question and not settle 

The ability to focus on my passion

To deep dive into things

To be creative

To change 

Comparatively, to neurotypical function it is a curse, so I take myself away from the comparison, because I will never be that, so what is the use of comparing? I watched my son create an amazing career in painting methodically creating goals, doing research… p p p planning, going to the studio on time and actually painting, not getting distracted and having coffee with friends or procrastinating weeks away.

He taught me so much. I watched him with amazement and with a flash I understood what all those years of art teacher/s frustration meant… They wanted me to be like him! Bloody hell, I couldn’t have been further away from that.

Please click on Elliot’s work if you would like to see it :) (proud Mum)

I see my friends ‘acing’ life; they’ve steadily saved, they’ve ‘settled’ some in relationships as they don’t want to be alone or being alone is expensive, some are disconnected to themselves by work and holidays are there for them to recuperate to finally become themselves again to go back into work and start all over again losing sight of who they were.

I’m not able to do any of those things, it’s not for me... I’m OK with that and the way I live my life.

I have been saved by my neurodiversity, it wouldn’t let me settle.

I have hard boundaries where others can have soft ones, I’ve adapted in the best way I know how. 

I would appear (ha!) normal…Whatever that means.

What I don’t like to do is wear my possible label like Prada. It’s mine, it’s personal to me, and no, I don’t expect the world to adapt to my difference, or even my similarity.

Quite often, it’s not unheard of to hear the differences from others and exceptions expected to be made, and in some cases that is needed, in quite a few situations are exceptions needed to be made? (Contentious to say as a therapist)

For example, yes, it is a good choice to be Vegan, Vegetarian, yes it is, does the world need to adapt to this, yes it does. Will this take time? Yes it will. In the meantime we all do what we can.

The same is true for neurodiversity, doctors are inundated with requests for ADHD / Autism tests, CAHMS bursting at the seams, the pharmacists struggling to produce the phenomenal number of new medicinal requests, so is it the world’s fault yet if social media has created a demand (Yay! Power to the people!) but the world can’t keep up? No. Sadly these things take time, in the way restaurants are slowly changing to adapt to dietary requirements, the world will take time to adapt to a greater wealth of Neurodiversity.

So maybe we have to cut it some slack and take a moment and wonder.

Just how lucky are we to live in a time when we can be unique, different and accepted. This time span that we live in the world holds the greatest number of generations the world has even had- how incredible is that, are we all going to be different, hell yeah.

Sometimes when we are faced by lack of understanding and judgement, we just have to think, that’s not for me, I understand they don’t have the capability to understand me.

Having ADHD and Autism is hard, they’re both on spectrums and they both have a variety of variations. So first we need to ask what we can do to make our lives better ourselves, now we know, now we have permission to accept an adapt to ourselves, before demanding it of the world. Now, i am not talking about those whom already take the responsibility that they can, I am making reference to those who want others to take all the responsibility for them.

How to not be a victim

The drama triangle is one of THE BEST tools you will ever see to understand people.

What I was referring to above was the vulnerable Narcissism that you can get with people misusing their labels… Not taking responsibility and expecting others to do it for them, or expecting the world to adapt because they want it to (want rather than need). Vulnerable Narcissism is quiet, it is expectant and most of all, if you are around a VN you will find you are taking on more responsibility than you would like, you are wading in to rescue and you may find yourself thinking, “How did I get myself into this” “Why am I doing this?” or perhaps “Oh noooooo, I have sooo much to do now” all of those statements can belong in the Drama triangle (above) Once we are in it...There is no leaving.

We go from corner to corner, victim to rescuer to blamer to victim, the cycle is endless without that difficult conversation…You know, the one we shudder at the thought of having.

Once we have that conversation, we have taken responsibility, and its then that we can break free.

So if you have a Vulnerable Narcissist in your life, hold those boundaries firm, help where you can, but stay away from rescuing - Your body will show you the difference.

Photo by Laura Chouette on Unsplash