Narc Buzz. A small dictionary of pop-psyche terms.

The topic of Narcissism is beguiling and sure enough, social media, popular psychology have created weird and wonderful definitions around the Narcissistic behaviour and the variety of Narcissism available (back in the day there was only one type of Narcissist- although that has always been on the spectrum of how deeply affected someone is), but hey, I am older than Google.

So hopefully this blog is a useful insight into some of the current terms used.

The pain that Narcissistic abuse causes is rarely a surface pain, it penetrates deeply like a hot lazer because it goes through our built up layers of love education, usually from our formative years of pleasing a parent or the parents- so when it happens to us, the not good enough layers of pain and protection all get affected.

We don’t have to be scarred by just a romantic relationship, it can be a friendship, a work relationship- the reason so often than not, the Narcissistic abuse is more prevalent with romantic relationships is that we let them in and we can let them in deeply.

It’s not easy to manage the hurt or heal from the pain, but you can. Your heart can heal, and then we can create ways to protect that beautiful you going forward.

For a few years I worked with the Echo society, if you need a recommendation do look to them:

https://www.theechosociety.org.uk/events-1/face-face-counselling

Should you wish to watch anyone on Youtube, I would recommend:

Doctor Ramani would be a good choice, closely followed by Professor Sam Vaknin- they both bring their own personality and insights but they are the most reliable of people to watch.

https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani

https://www.youtube.com/@samvaknin

• Narcissist - A person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. We all have a healthy dose of Narcissism so it is important we trust we are not seeing someone at their worst point before making any judgements. But those who know, know…Sadly.

• Narcissism  - Narcissistic personality disorder;  one of several types of personality disorders  - a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, (grandiosity) a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others… We know that in the U.K this is approximated at 0.6% of the population… There are 62? 68? Million in the UK, including the old and young, so it is unlikely that we will meet too many.

• Malignant narcissism - A term used to describe a person who has symptoms of both narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder. Combined, these disorders can show up as arrogance, a need for power and recognition, and tendencies to use or exploit others for selfish reasons. Like the stats above on Narcissism, again this is quite rare, interestingly the results go from 0.6% in the population up to 2.2% in prisons… For the less intellegent people who get caught :)

• Agentic Narcissism - Base their global self-evaluations of high self-importance, entitlement, and social power, on unduly inflated views of their own agency (e.g., intelligence, creativity, and scholastic aptitude). Scholarly Universities will enable this hierarchical entitlement behaviour.

• Covert / Vulnerable / closet Narcissism -  Someone who has the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but displays these behaviours in more subtle ways, so you may find you are accommodating their needs without realising or making sure they are satisfied before anyone else, least of all your needs being met.

• Vulnerable Narcissism - A type of narcissist that tends to be highly self-conscious, insecure, and hypersensitive to rejection. They oscillate between feeling inferior and superior to others, and they become easily offended, anxious, or even hostile when they're not put on a pedestal. These are the people who ‘expect’ to be attended to because they are less fortunate than others in one way or another.

• Overt Narcissism -  Characterised by grandiose, attention seeking and entitlement, with an 'inflated' sense of self which is commonly expected of. They are arrogant and preoccupied with fantasies of being successful with wealth and power… These are the classic, expected Narcs that we see on TV programmes usually.

• Antagonistic Narcissism - A subtype of overt narcissism. With this aspect of narcissism, the focus is on rivalry and competition. Some features of antagonistic narcissism include: arrogance. tendency to take advantage of others. Imagine an outgoing gangster on the Sopranos or suchlike.

• Communal Narcissism - Communal narcissists often believe they have excellent social skills and high degrees of like-ability and helpfulness. Think your A-typical cult leader or the school’s PTA Chair…

• Red Flags - The danger signs, when in the early stages and when in doubt ask them, the fundamental basic needs of any relationship is feeling safe, and being able to communicate your needs. So, when in doubt, ask.

• Grandiosity - Believing you are impressive and imposing in appearance or style, pretentiously so, usually displaying a pompous superiority.

• Inflated - Egotism; believing there is no-one better than you and you are the best person for every and all jobs.

• Selfishness - Sometimes there is no intent, no machiavellianism, just an innocent “All I think about is myself'“, they don’t necessarily expect the world to revolve around them, but they just crack on with giving themselves what they want- regardless of other’s needs.

• Supply - The Narcissistic version of love, this is labelled supply because it is seen as a limited resource by the Narcissist (as they are only prepared to give so much) and because supply is a limited resource, the behaviour revolves around scarcity.

• Love bombing - The action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them… But this can again, also be an innocent behaviour, one that arises from a lack of impulse control, so it is important to judge the love bombing (sadly) by the next stage; the devaluing.

• Gaslighting - Psychological abuse in which a person or group causes someone to question their own sanity, memories, and/ or perception of reality. If you experience gaslighting you may feel confused, anxious, or as though you cannot trust yourself… It is this dynamic that causes so much doubt or pain in both the original experience but also after a while this can knock your self esteem all over the place, so finding your core again after going through this horrid treatment is so important.

• Hoovering - A manipulation tactic used to “suck” victims back into toxic relationship cycles. Someone who hoovers fears that their target will “get away” from them, so they may engage in love bombing, feigning crises, stalking, or smear campaigns in order to suck up all their target's time, energy, and attention. This can usually happen when they get bored with their victim after you, and you may be contacted for excitement and stimulation or simply to have more control over their current victim.

• Flying monkeys -  ‘abuse by proxy,' or having someone else perform the bidding of another person. These people are usually coerced with propaganda and tend to be innocent and unaware, they become manipulated with intention.

• CPTSD - Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (complex PTSD, sometimes abbreviated to c-PTSD or CPTSD) a condition where you experience some symptoms of PTSD along with some additional symptoms, such as: difficulty controlling your emotions. feeling very angry or distrustful towards the world. Sometimes when being hurt is so continual that it becomes your ‘norm’ it is harder to recover and learn to trust again, we are constantly on the cusp of anticipating innocent actions hurting us.

• Fawning -  a trauma response where a person develops people-pleasing behaviours to avoid conflict and to establish a sense of safety. This can especially be seen in adults of a difficult childhood where a parent was either over demanding or emotionally difficult to manage.

• Trauma bonding - a connection between an abusive person and the individual they abuse. This is reflective of an attachment created by repeating physical or emotional trauma with positive reinforcement. It can be really hard to spot and even harder to break free from… “they don’t mean to hurt me, they have low self esteem, they don’t know what they are doing…”

• Grey rock - A metaphor for a way to deflect or defuse further abuse; when a person who is enduring abuse purposely acts as boring as possible during encounters with their abuser. This in effect is withdrawing the excitement from the situation by being agreeable (fawning) in the face of conflict and not imposing an alternative opinion, or simply saying nothing.

• Scapegoat - The person who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others, they are likely to accept the label as by being labelled as such means you escape being identified with the toxic behaviour, in some ways it is easier to escape a dynamic when you are scapegoated than when you are favoured, as you are more likely to question what is going on.

• Golden child - Favoured or the favourite’ usually held in high esteem, and for whom there are high hopes. It is quite possible for this projection to be internalised in the creation of further Narcissistic behaviour. However quite often when we are being positively reinforced as the golden child we don’t realsie there can be issues… Why would we?

  Although there is a note here, there can very easily be two scapegoats and two golden children in a family where there are two siblings

• Triangulation - This is where two people get played off each other so that the Narcissist can get the best out of both of the others (remember that they believe supply is limited?) It makes sense if you think supply is going to run out to play people off against each other …gaining not only both of their attentions but creating an environment where they compete and most likely dislike each other. Triangulation can be a significant reason for hoovering.

• No contact - No communication with; space and time apart from the other.

• Next level, NO contact - This is where Hypnotherapy can be very useful as this is around navigating our thoughts… No contact is no emotional contact, no thinking about contact, no revenge, (yes, we all feel that one) no “setting the story straight”, no, thinking about, “If i did XYZ I could get this outcome” This is super hard but essential in the pathway of recovery.

• HSP - Highly sensitive person; a neurodivergent who is thought to have an increased or deeper central nervous system sensitivity to physical, emotional, or social stimuli. Some refer to this as having sensory processing sensitivity. There is a note here, that sometimes if you have a HSP they could also become on the Narcissistic scale and need their high sensitivity be accounted for before anyone else in the room gets a look in.

• Empath - a person with an advanced ability to perceive the mental or emotional state of another individual, this can be due to nature or nurture (or a bit of both). Nature being the talents we are born with, some people can naturally be good empaths like people who are naturally good at Maths, or nurture- where you grow up from an early age in a toxic environment so you have to develop spidey senses to keep you safe.

• Codependency - Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on another, this amongst other things is based in lack of responsibility; learning to take responsibility and heal our hurt self esteem.

  Sometimes people’s talents lay in social media, it doesn’t mean they are good therapists … Or even therapists, so do check on those people who do not have a social media presence, those working outside of Instagram, as they are the people in the field, doing the work. Social media is a great place to introduce yourself to Narcissism, the recovery from Narcissistic abuse is nowhere near as glamorous as social media shows, it is a world of reeducation through tears, grief and disbelief more often than not.

Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

Wearing labels like Prada.

My favourite quote is the Henry ford quote: 

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”

I don’t know if I have ADHD but presume so, (as my friends pull the familiar face as I, once again go off on some sort of tangent).

I don’t particularly need the diagnosis, I am happy enough with the understanding that I have, I have also found ways to manage and prepare myself in the main, I like the idea of medication but I have somewhere along the lines (I am 53 writing this) found ways to make life work for me, I have found them all the hard way, like having three projects on the go at once to get anything done, or making myself put my keys in the same place each time as I get home, bribing myself to brush my teeth, wash my face, not the horrifically disabling ADHD that some people and some clients experience, but perhaps the more, AU-ADHD, that I have spent years labelling as, “Creativity”. This has come with it’s challenges especially when I have watched my friends (in admiration) do as a routine the ‘basic’ life movements. I self justified my lack as my distracted mindset… ‘I am a “creative” after all’.

While my friends and colleagues ace at the fundamentals of life, doing all the impressive things like regular admin, work accounting, phone calls even sensible eating hours and ordinary day to day planning, mine is a maelstrom of procrastination and misplaced determination but somehow everything gets chucked in the mental mixer and miraculously all comes good in the end.

I know there are good things that my difference brings so even given the option of being typical I would probably say no.

What my ‘difference’ has given me:

The ability to question and not settle 

The ability to focus on my passion

To deep dive into things

To be creative

To change 

Comparatively, to neurotypical function it is a curse, so I take myself away from the comparison, because I will never be that, so what is the use of comparing? I watched my son create an amazing career in painting methodically creating goals, doing research… p p p planning, going to the studio on time and actually painting, not getting distracted and having coffee with friends or procrastinating weeks away.

He taught me so much. I watched him with amazement and with a flash I understood what all those years of art teacher/s frustration meant… They wanted me to be like him! Bloody hell, I couldn’t have been further away from that.

Please click on Elliot’s work if you would like to see it :) (proud Mum)

I see my friends ‘acing’ life; they’ve steadily saved, they’ve ‘settled’ some in relationships as they don’t want to be alone or being alone is expensive, some are disconnected to themselves by work and holidays are there for them to recuperate to finally become themselves again to go back into work and start all over again losing sight of who they were.

I’m not able to do any of those things, it’s not for me... I’m OK with that and the way I live my life.

I have been saved by my neurodiversity, it wouldn’t let me settle.

I have hard boundaries where others can have soft ones, I’ve adapted in the best way I know how. 

I would appear (ha!) normal…Whatever that means.

What I don’t like to do is wear my possible label like Prada. It’s mine, it’s personal to me, and no, I don’t expect the world to adapt to my difference, or even my similarity.

Quite often, it’s not unheard of to hear the differences from others and exceptions expected to be made, and in some cases that is needed, in quite a few situations are exceptions needed to be made? (Contentious to say as a therapist)

For example, yes, it is a good choice to be Vegan, Vegetarian, yes it is, does the world need to adapt to this, yes it does. Will this take time? Yes it will. In the meantime we all do what we can.

The same is true for neurodiversity, doctors are inundated with requests for ADHD / Autism tests, CAHMS bursting at the seams, the pharmacists struggling to produce the phenomenal number of new medicinal requests, so is it the world’s fault yet if social media has created a demand (Yay! Power to the people!) but the world can’t keep up? No. Sadly these things take time, in the way restaurants are slowly changing to adapt to dietary requirements, the world will take time to adapt to a greater wealth of Neurodiversity.

So maybe we have to cut it some slack and take a moment and wonder.

Just how lucky are we to live in a time when we can be unique, different and accepted. This time span that we live in the world holds the greatest number of generations the world has even had- how incredible is that, are we all going to be different, hell yeah.

Sometimes when we are faced by lack of understanding and judgement, we just have to think, that’s not for me, I understand they don’t have the capability to understand me.

Having ADHD and Autism is hard, they’re both on spectrums and they both have a variety of variations. So first we need to ask what we can do to make our lives better ourselves, now we know, now we have permission to accept an adapt to ourselves, before demanding it of the world. Now, i am not talking about those whom already take the responsibility that they can, I am making reference to those who want others to take all the responsibility for them.

How to not be a victim

The drama triangle is one of THE BEST tools you will ever see to understand people.

What I was referring to above was the vulnerable Narcissism that you can get with people misusing their labels… Not taking responsibility and expecting others to do it for them, or expecting the world to adapt because they want it to (want rather than need). Vulnerable Narcissism is quiet, it is expectant and most of all, if you are around a VN you will find you are taking on more responsibility than you would like, you are wading in to rescue and you may find yourself thinking, “How did I get myself into this” “Why am I doing this?” or perhaps “Oh noooooo, I have sooo much to do now” all of those statements can belong in the Drama triangle (above) Once we are in it...There is no leaving.

We go from corner to corner, victim to rescuer to blamer to victim, the cycle is endless without that difficult conversation…You know, the one we shudder at the thought of having.

Once we have that conversation, we have taken responsibility, and its then that we can break free.

So if you have a Vulnerable Narcissist in your life, hold those boundaries firm, help where you can, but stay away from rescuing - Your body will show you the difference.

Photo by Laura Chouette on Unsplash

Hey you! Stop being so f-king perfect.

I watched the Netflix show, “Joy; Finding happiness in troubled times” a documentary about the relationship between the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, two incredible men with an incredible relationship.

On filming the Netflix documentary, Doug Abrams said, “Who the hell am I to try and sit down with these two incredible spiritual leaders and try to distil their wisdom?”

Archbishop Tutu said, “Sometimes you’re the one in room and it doesn’t matter what your strength or limitations are, you have to just show up and let what wants to happen, happen.”

So wonderfully true.

All we can do is bring ourselves into the room, not special, not shiny, not perfect, just our ordinary everyday selves and then we can allow the rest to unfold.

Too many times I see perfection crippling us, stopping us from becoming what we want, (Trigger warning! :) this may be horrific to hear if you are a perfectionist, buuuuut, if we aim for 100%, that means we are also choosing to accept a 99.9% fail rate…Which is absolutely fine if we are choosing to focus on that one thing, but if we are choosing that exchange rate for everything and the rest of life? Is there room for anything else when all we are carrying around is fail rate?

What if we chose to be just mediocre about the stuff we didn’t so much care about? what if we let go just a little bit? What would feel different?

That is the beauty of Hypnotherapy, what it can do is not only release the pressure build up, working together we can figure out what bits totally and absolutely demand mediocrity!

I see it in the schools and the contact from parents, children are expected to be an A* in all subjects, back in the day, we were just allowed to be good in one subject, now it’s all subjects.

We are expected to be academic with values placed on learning information to recite rather than learning ‘How’ to be in the room; how to trust our full self that we can learn to adapt or stay firm in the face of what is happening in the room, step into the flow and do our part, fully and unequivocally ourselves, the good, perfect parts and the not so good parts.

Archbishop was right, it doesn’t matter who we are, it matters where we are, so it’s so important to give ourselves permission to be, well ourselves.

The hypnotherapy I practise at South London therapy is all about being ourselves, learning to understand how we fit into the world and making peace with who we are; the good and more importantly the not so good bits, because, after all, we all have them.

So if you want to explore who you are, and be fully the person you are to embrace life, just have a go at therapy, see if its for you.

Photo by Daniël Maas on Unsplash

Bloody hell.

If you are feeling all sorts of strange and you’re looking for some help because you just don’t feel YOU, perhaps something physical is actually afoot?

Quite often in the therapy room I will ask you to check in on your basic vitamin levels from the food you eat, as quite often with anxiety the first thing to go is the desire to eat or to eat dense calorific foods, so just a check in with our vitamins and minerals can be really helpful.

Also it’s worth checking in on iron levels, especially if you are a heavy bleeder.

Invariably there is a mind / body combo going on and working on either in separateness just simply makes things, harder.

I am not a medical professional and cannot diagnose, what I have seen over my years is there more often than not a correlation between ongoing anxiety and the vitamin / iron / magnesium deficiencies.

What I have also noticed in the last few years (and I am sorry to say) since I have been perimenopausal, is the sheer impact the ‘Change’ can have on us women (I am sure that one day there will be scientific research for men going through a change too - I don’t want to rule you guys out of the effects of hormone depletion either!).

So what we know so far..

The most debilitating stage of the menopause is the Perimenopause and that can start 10 years or more before the menopause actually happens

Women are still bleeding when the effects of the decline begin, so if you notice changes in your mood when everything has been fine, and you’re approaching your mid to late forties - you could be peri-menopausal. 

It’s really important to note that for some women it could be as early as mid thirties, for a few, even sooner. 

Some Doctors are currently dismissing emotional peri-menopausal symptoms as clinical anxiety or depression (as the symptoms can present as those) and women tend to get prescribed anti-depressants rather than offered the medication that aligns with the loss of hormones...Additional hormones. It isn’t uncommon for us women to blame ourselves for our emotions, especially at this time when quite often we can be juggling teens leaving home, elderly parents, work pressures - all sorts of life overwhelming stuff that we can think we are responding to, each one a big demand in itself. However sometimes our lacking resiliance or our emotional irregularity can simply be the fluctuating hormones that peri- menopause can bring.

I have been on the journey myself and tentatively as someone with Progesterone sensitivity I was terrified of taking Progesterone, but with the addition of Estrogen and progesterone i finally found myself sleeping again - no more 2am Cortisol spikes, no more unteathered anxiety, or sofa paralysis, abject knackeredness it really helped, and then a year or so later I started taking Testosterone and blimey! It was like being gifted a super power! Chatting with my life long friend I was telling her how much I had changed and what was so different and she paused and said, “Like you used to be, you mean?” And that was the point where it dawned on me just how much I had actually changed (slowly and steadily) over the last 4…6? years, so much so I hadn’t noticed that I had become a totally different me- I just thought I was lazy.

I had not even considered or understood the menopause or peri menopause… I didnt know the chnge happens even though you were bleeding and yes, I still am.

So know peri -menopausal symptoms begin when you are having your periods, for some women periods can get heavier or more often… As they have done with me. Oh the joy! 

Hot flushes / flashes do not necessarily happen at the start of perimenopause, they may never happen or they may come in the form of night sweats. So it’s best not to use the flushes or flashes (same thing different name) as a guide to whether you’re beginning the peri- menopause. I haven’t had that many…And if I used them as a marker, I wouldn’t be classing myself as peri-menopausal.

It’s worth remembering menopause marks the end of the periods; One year after the last day of your last period. Most of the emotional and physical changes lead up to the menopause, they don’t begin as you become it. 

What is Peri menopause? We have the rise of understanding that before  the Menopause; there begins a depletion of hormones in women; mainly oestrogen/ estrogen (same thing different name) and progesterone and, Oh! What a huge difference it makes, being a woman of a certain age I totally appreciate the effects of the decline. 

In addition to the main hormones depleting women also notice a depletion of testosterone. All these hormones do particular things for women at particular times. 

Sitting in the therapist’s chair I noticed the effects of the depletion; the lack of sleep, brain fog, depression and anxiety being the most common- yes, the hot flushes, but not necessarily as the main contender at the beginning. 

So if you are feeling different and nothing in your surroundings have changed, or even if they have, your reactions to them have changed, ask your friends if you seem different, they know you! And then it is well worth doing a deeper dive into the effects of Perimenopause. 

Some really helpful links below:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/menopause/

https://www.balance-menopause.com/

https://zoe.com/learn/category/life-stages

For some women, we want to go through the natural transition organically (I chose the drugs, I’m OK with that, and I am also Ok with women going without the drugs too).

If you have decided to get support with the menopausal symptoms, hypnotherapy can be a great tool to aid with all the menopausal /perimenopausal symptoms as it can help us ride the wave rather than drown in it!

Good luck and bon voyage to the wonderful transition years.

Photo by Lua Valentia on Unsplash

The Path of Self Love - There's no easy route

I listened to a Podcast the other day, where the person interviewed gave a quote that went something like,

“Plants want to grow and will, but if you give them the right care and attention, they won’t just grow, they will flourish.”

I work with many people who are absolutely gorgeous; thoughtful, considerate, kind, just to name a few of the values that I really admire - its not easy being in London and upholding those values amongst so many strangers, yet they do.

I have always found myself wondering, (with what is also my lifetime challenge) how can the values and the wonderful acts of kindness to strangers (and those we know in equal measure) not correlate with how we talk to ourselves inside our head, especially at times when we really need our own support?

And maybe, just maybe there is a way out of this.

Those who know me, will also know the strength I put on all people being different in all sorts of ways - not just how we look, but who we are; we can be just as varied on the inside as the outside.

So in a deep dive into why I hurt myself when I need me most and what can I do to become my own cheer-leader, I found myself wondering about Love languages and their impact on relationships, and perhaps we can use the same perspective to use them with our relationship with ourselves.

Firstly, what are the basics of The Love languages? Inspired and conceived by Gary Chapman, an American Pastor and Anthropologist, considered that if we are in a relationship with a significant ‘other’, it is more than likely that we may have different languages and these differences can cause conflict or when the same, enhance the loving relationship. He settled on a variety of five types, and these can be interchangeable, but chances are, there will be a primary go - to for all of us.

Words of Affirmation: 

This love language involves verbal and written expressions of love and appreciation. People who value this love language thrive on compliments, kind words, and supportive messages.

Quality Time: 

Quality time is about giving undivided attention and spending meaningful time with your loved ones. People who appreciate this love language value focused and uninterrupted moments together.

Receiving Gifts: 

This love language involves the giving and receiving of physical gifts. People who resonate with this love language appreciate thoughtful presents as symbols of love and care.

Acts of Service: 

Acts of service refer to doing things for others to express love and support. This can include tasks or favours that alleviate the burden on the recipient. People who value this love language feel loved when others help them out.

Physical Touch: 

Physical touch encompasses non-sexual physical contact, such as hugs, holding hands, or a gentle touch on the arm. People who have this love language feel most loved and connected through physical affection.

So imagine if our love language is words of affirmation and that is so very important to us, and we then say in our heads, “You’re shit, everything you do is shit, everything that you look like is shit.” Where does that leave us? - Especially when words of affirmation are so important.

Or, if you valued quality time the most and you worked full time and then gave extra hours overtime away without a second thought - What damage is that doing to your psyche?

So what could we do to remedy the situation?

Firstly, let’s establish what our primary love language is, do click on the link that leads you to the Love Language Questionnaire and then, when you’re ready, have a look below for ways to make a difference in being kind to yourself and lets see if it does :)

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

What we can do…

Words of Affirmation:

- Write positive affirmations about yourself and read them daily.

- Practice self-talk that is encouraging and uplifting.

- Keep a gratitude journal to remind yourself of your accomplishments and strengths.

Quality Time:

- Set aside regular "me-time" to engage in activities you enjoy.

- Prioritise self-care and self-reflection, maybe through journaling.

- Disconnect from technology and create moments of solitude for self-reflection.

Receiving Gifts:

- Treat yourself to small indulgences or items you've been wanting.

- Celebrate your achievements with rewards or tokens of self-appreciation.

- Create a self-care package with items that bring you joy and comfort.

Acts of Service:

- Take care of your physical and emotional needs, such as eating well, exercising, and getting enough rest.

- Delegate tasks or ask for help when needed to reduce stress.

- Engage in acts of self-compassion, such as forgiving yourself and practicing self-care routines.

Physical Touch:

- Engage in activities that promote physical well-being, such as exercising, getting a massage, or taking relaxing baths.

- Practice self-soothing techniques like gentle self-massage or holding yourself in comforting positions.

- Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable and confident in your own skin.

These examples are just a beginning point, and it's really important to explore what works best for you to flourish, not what anyone else would do.

Consider your own preferences and needs, and find ways to incorporate self-love practices that align with your primary love language as a starter to the road of self love and recovery from that toxic person inside your head.

I’m going to give it a go too, because, you know, why not?

Thanks to Photo by Jacob Plumb on Unsplash

Lockdown survivors

You know what?

Surviving lockdown is a thing.

We made it out the other end, and for that I am sure you (as well as I) are super grateful.

However,

More and more I’m seeing distress everywhere.

I know I am one of the lucky ones who got to keep working through lockdown and I am super lucky and ever grateful that my friends and family weren’t as awfully impacted by the Coronavirus as some people, a lot of people.

Distress however is coming in all sorts of weird and wonderful ways.

Perhaps it is because we survived a global pandemic that there was always the anticipation of more …In the least, more than we had before.

However what we appear to have is more to give.

The UK is creaking, we all know that we cannot trust the Government any more, we cannot trust the news and the Pandemic has shown us that we are not to trust our neighbour. What and who can we trust? We are constantly bombarded by information, what science says, whose opinions matter, all the time leaving us questioning what is really true, who do we believe?

Many of us forged a life working from home, and as wonderful humans we are, we learnt to adapt only to be returned back to the office, with just as much work and meetings than ever before, but also a commute to swallow back up the spare time we once had.

In lockdown we all had the facility to save the ‘going out’ money and the return to society has offered the return to increased prices to meet increased costs - the world we have returned to is so very different to the world we left behind.

It’s impacting us all.

If you feel you haven’t got a grasp on your time, your money or your happiness, if it helps; it’s happening to a lot of us, we are all grappling with the disappointment of the times and the people in these times.

What can we do to help these feelings?

DELETE DELETE DELETE unhealthy social media

Whether it is removing the account entirely or whether it is having a cleanse of the toxic people and/or posts…Yes, even if that’s family or friends, it’ll take a while to adjust but, your world will be better off eventually.

Rather than scroll, deep dive into a podcast, give your eyes a rest from the constant bombarding of information.

Change your Watsapp settings, you don’t need to know when someone was last online, and they don’t need to know the same about you.

Take the baby steps to freedom.

New Year n all that.

This next year, 2023, what about it eh?

Perhaps you have made New Year’s Resolutions, perhaps not.

This year, because I am 52 and really really tired of making resolutions I know I won’t follow, I have decided to begin a (lovely) notebook, titled, “Because I said I would.”

Many of my friends and family are great at doing things they say they are going to, but quite often, my either undiagnosed ADHD, or most definitely creative and menopausal brain…Or all three, gets easily distracted by shiny things, or most things.

So my one and only NYR is to write the stuff I will most definitely DO in my notebook.

I totally appreciate that some of us struggle with the relentless demands of “What’s your New Year’s Resolution?” Because some people (usually the people asking) are really good at them.

So here’s to us who struggle with that stuff.

So to help along the way, make your first New Year’s resolution…

TO BE KIND TO YOURSELF

If you feel compelled to being the torture of change on the 1st January, make the first week or even the first two weeks … Planning.

Plan to start when you’re ready

That means when you’ve detoxed from the booze (or the family)

When your cupboards are finally empty… Make the goals easier- the year isn’t going anywhere and here in the UK, these next two months are usually the bleakest.

Be kind to yourself, start crap and get better, improve; so just one small change is plenty to start with, and celebrate that you’re on your journey.

Insead of “giving up” the fags/booze/food/sex etc, make it about what you will increase or gain, we are much better working with positive increases, remember what you used to love when you were a kid, go buy that lego kit , that jigsaw, that craft set…Treat yourself. Change can be a fragile beast, so kindness and positive rewards are essential.

Finally, remember if you want to change you, it’s time to change the things that you DO.

Little by little… Plan to watch 5 nights of Netflix instead of 7, plan to listen to the radio or podcasts more, give your eyes a break.

And, If you want…. Have a listen to this recording below to re energise.

Most of all, know that by making the changes that you want, YOU ARE LOVED.

What better gift to ourselves eh?

Finding our super power

There’s not much to add here, other than, “Awwwwww, go on, have a watch”.

https://blog.ted.com/amy-cuddy-power-poses-through-pop-culture/

https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_may_shape_who_you_are

Guest Blog

I guess so many people in this world spend life just getting by – just surviving on the hamster wheel of juggling family, partners, parents, interests, jobs, careers and friends… for some it works well; for others it’s more finely balanced… and sadly, for a smaller percentage still, it will all fall apart one day and you are left wondering just what on earth happened. 

This was my experience in 2020. I found myself homeless during the pandemic, having lost my home, gone through a divorce, suffered physical violence against me and other abuse that nearly rubbed me out.

I guess I’d always been mildly conscious of being a bit of a people pleaser, worrying about what people thought of me. But the ‘trauma’ of my childhood (always moving home when very young and then life as a lonely and bullied latch key kid later) I never truly understood the implications and the potential impact of this.

I mostly drifted through my 20s, followed my friends from party to concert to festival to bar and back. After a period of unhappiness, physical symptoms and mild anxiety (that I put down to my life choices at the time), until I  met someone and, despite some doubt and avoidance on my behalf, we settled down and eventually we got married in 2013 after 6 years together. Looking back, I married because I felt it was the right thing to do – primarily for others expectations; for her, for our families, but also because we’d been together for these six years and it felt like time was slipping away somehow. Even when I popped the big question, the answer was “Are you sure?” Looking back, it was destined not to survive as we both felt that being with someone – anyone – was better than being alone, and then to compound its fate, we also did not know how to communicate.

Learning to stay with someone far longer than was healthy where you do not align, sadly  became underlined going through the divorce when, at this moment of maximum vulnerability, I fell for the charms of someone different who felt like ‘home’ – that, I see now, was the combination of two people with deep, unhealed childhood wounds. Seeing and imagining in each other the would-be the parent figure to make it all ok again…

I ultimately, betrayed myself to put up with bullying, emotional abuse, destruction of my property and, in the end, violence. Some three years, with many tears and far more trauma. I am now free and healing but only through the irony of the challenging and relentless pandemic giving me an opportunity to get away. 

It’s been a long road but finally I am now learning a real lot about myself; through growth, inner work and healing from both the original and newer trauma.

If I have any advice to give, I strongly recommend being in touch with your gut instinct and reflect on your choices regularly. Speak your truth and challenge any controlling behaviour.

And, finally, if you’ve been through or are going through a tumultuous time, take the time to investigate your feelings and be proactive in prioritising your healing above all else! 

Image, thanks to : warren-wong-u7dy-n4uZVk-unsplash.jpg

Just how long is that 'To do' list?!

Perhaps it can be really useful to write a TO DO list, sometimes.

Other times it can just add to the overwhelm, and it can be about gauging whether this is a time to do all the “to dos”?

I know at the moment it seems that everyone is juggling the transition between going back to work, doing online meetings, with hardly the space to pee, let alone poo.

If that is you, recognise that many of the To dos are going to have to be To waits, as you are currently going through transition- and change can create an enormous amount of pressure, so it is really important to just give yourself the space and time to go through the change until you get your roots down again and the usual systems are in place.

If you are ready for the To dos…

A really useful tip for the to dos, to help reduce overwhelm, is to take an A4 sheet of paper and fold it into 3- so it looks like a menu.

On the front write at the top; NOW

Inside write; NEXT

And the back; AT SOME POINT

That way you can break down a massive heap of To dos into something waaaay more manageable, and as you go through ticking of the NOWs you can flip over in to the NEXTs and love it!

What’s more you can break everything down into tiny steps…..

I have to make a meal.

NOW

Decide on the meal

NEXT

Plan the shopping list

AT SOME POINT

Go shopping

(you can add an EVENTUALLY)

Cook the meal

Baby steps with lists can be really helpful and more importantly, really fulfilling.

Photo by Ann Marie Ludlow from Pexels

SHAME and growing up with a Narcissistic parent

Shame creeps around behind the scenes for most children whom have grown up in toxic environment; something we swallow down deep, hand in hand with the belief that, no matter what we do, we just aren’t good enough.

And that’s the thing, sometimes in a toxic environment we are valued for the things we do; we do our best to make people happy and our reward is being valued for what we have just done, for that brief moment.

The difference? in a secure household, doing something adds happiness, but doesn’t create value, because we are already valued and already loved just by BEING. Everything else we do becomes added extras, so even if we are not doing, we are still be loved and valued just by being us.

I shall just keep this little post brief as Brené, is once again hitting awesome with her talks;

What is the antidote to shame?

“Empathy.”

What gives power to shame?

“Secrecy, silence and judgement.”

What Brené also says, is that guilt and shame are two very different beasts; guilt reflects on the behaviour whereas shame reflects on the identity.

“ I made a mistake” Guilt

“I am a mistake” Shame

It isn’t uncommon to find the child of a toxic parent who fails to give the parent EVERYTHING that they need, to be awash with shame. Because we have been groomed to appease and please, and when we don’t, we don’t just simply make a mistake, we become a ‘bad person’ for not sacrificing our needs, or, for not wanting to please, in doing so, we cause rejection and because in most cases a toxic parent is unable to reflect there becomes something wrong with you. Not the choices you took or the reasons you took those choices.

And of course always remembering that the toxic injury happened when you were a child- how could you ever even expect to meet a toxic parent’s needs? You were far too little to take on such big expectations.

As Brené discusses in her Ted Talk, the antidote is empathy; empathy to others but most importantly, empathy to the child within and to yourself as an adult.

Children are expected to make mistakes- that is an integra; part of learning as we grow up, and as an adult? Of course we make mistakes, that’s being human, the trick is the forgiveness, learning how to forgive ourselves through empathy, is the key.

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

With thanks to Chaewon Lee on Unsplash: https://unsplash.com/photos/VfhoKbFv16Y

Life in lockdown, a well rounded life?

So, we are nearly at the end of our mammoth series of Lockdowns…..Maybe.

Lock down has been a trial of sorts for all of us, primarily managing a ‘killer’ virus and secondly managing a whole new way of life.

Those of us still working through the pandemic have been inundated with work pressures, meeting after meeting with no space to pee, let alone fill up the cup of vodka.

Those of us with additional unexpected free time, bound to the local area and battling boredom alongside the pressure of the uncertainty of return.

All of us living life AT HOME- our houses creaking at the seams with people and activity, the echoes of Netflix and the ‘just one more episode’ thoughts.

SO what will out new “normal” look like?

What do we want to take into our new way of living?

For me it is something as simple as loving my lockdown introduced afternoon shower- there’s something about it that reminds me of being on holiday, coming in from one activity and getting ready for a chilled afternoon (my afternoons have been far from chilled) but that 20 mins reserved for the shower is enough to recalibrate and pump some dopamine through the system.

Perhaps it is worth taking a bit of stock in this last week about what have been the treasures worth keeping from our lockdown lives?

Perhaps we can look back with gratitudes for a year off of commuting, special times with our family, connecting with friends online? The opportunity to know what needs changing? Is now the time to recalibrate?

RECALIBRATION

Goal setting

Grab some of sheets of paper and a couple of pens, this exercise can get messy…

Sit in your thoughts and then write down with some bold pens;

1. All the things you love about lockdown

2. All the things you dislike about lock down

3. All the things you love about freedom

4. All the things you dislike about freedom

5. What sort of person are you

6. What sort of person do you want to be

Then place them on the floor and have a look and a think and juggle them around and stand on the person you are sheet of paper and see what resonates, then stand on the person you want to be sheet and see what resonates that is the same or different, that way you can work towards who you want to be in more simple and clearer way.

Highlight the words, each time so that you have a code for goal mapping.

While some people may have been doing activity after activity and being totally awesome over lockdown some of us may be just exiting with nothing other the feeling of disappointment because we could have done more- instead we can look forward and set our goals and aspirations for the future, taking our lockdown learning and using it to create a whole new way of life. Goddamit :)

Header Photo by Clay LeConey on Unsplash

Thank you tomas-tuma-WajTuzeanUk-unsplash.jpg

Going it alone.

Does ‘Alone’ have to be a dirty word?

Making the choice to be alone, be it for a day, a week, a year or even a lockdown (who knows what length of time one of those are) is an interesting position to be in, but more often than not, especially at times like this, being alone is rather forced upon us than chosen.

The human species has a really great gift, we can adapt, some of us easier than others, but in the end the choice we have for happiness can be around adapting and how easily we make the choice to adapt.

In the many years of working, what has spoken to me most is how we can feel abjectly alone when we are with someone who doesn’t get us, who doesn’t understand us, nor we them, I won’t utter the buzzword Narcissist, not here, not now, because it isn’t just Narcissism that comes into question when a relationship doesn’t work out as well as we hoped, it can just be something as simple as difference, or a breakdown in communication, or love styles.

But sometimes, sometimes it can be that we are with a Narcissist, or someone on the Narcissistic spectrum, and perhaps it is only coming to light with this one to one lockdown living, perhaps a bit of a Google has shown you some things that really, finally make sense. One of the guides through a toxic relationship can be yourself:

Do you feel unheard or unseen?

Do you feel lonely, and chastise yourself because you know you shouldn’t feel lonely, this is what you always wanted.

Do your needs get met or are you constantly providing for the other’s needs? -That can come in many ways by;

Meeting their practical needs; like cooking & cleaning

Meeting their purchase needs; constantly having to buy presents and gifts

Meeting their emotional needs; ‘keeping’ them happy by not disagreeing or by constantly complimenting.

Meeting their expectations, feeling like you have to perform, dress up, work out to please them

Your body and your feelings can be your guide, take time out to listen to how you feel, measure it, (that can really help)

“Out of 10 for loneliness I feel a 9.”

“Out of 100% I feel 20% happy.”

Ideally we always want to be around the middle on a usual day, a 6 on the happiness scale, is a healthy average, we can’t possibly be a 9, or even a 10 all the time, that would be like eating cake for breakfast, lunch and tea!

So we want to be in the healthy ranges, the middle ground- measuring our feelings can help us to see where we are at, but can also help to locate what those feelings actually are, how strong is your hopelessness scale? Your uncertainty scale? Could that be because of lockdown, or could it be because of finding your purpose? …How strong is the scale for meeting your purpose?

It can be really helpful to get an idea of what is going on, whether it is us, our relationship or life circumstances, because once we know, we can do something about it.

Coming back to the main theme of this blog, ‘going it alone’, what if you are in a relationship that for whatever reason isn’t working, but you are too scared to be alone? Can you feel more alone than you do right now? Is that possible? What stops you from making changes? perhaps if you have the space and the safety to do so, writing the pros and cons can really be helpful- not just the practical, but the emotional, remembering that if you have been in a toxic relationship for a while now, chances are, you have already been going it alone.

After being heavily embroiled in a toxic or Narcissistic relationship, the general advice is to go no contact; the reason for this, in the main is for a healthier recovery process - keeping the wound clean so to speak, but it’s not just from the ‘other’ person, we can remain connected and in contact by bingeing on youtube videos about Narcissism or toxic relationships, we can go hunting for validation on Quora or Insta, once we have managed to escape the clutches of the toxic death throes and we separate from the other, we heal, we stay away from contact, the final stage is to be at peace with the endless hunt for explanation, to let go of the youtube videos, and the sucking in of the knowledge about all the buzzwords the covert narcissism, gaslighting, emeshment etc, Because that is all about them. That is contact to the old.

So it is time to focus on all about you, learning about what is is you want, turning yourself to face the future, enjoying being alone and doing ALL the things you couldn’t do in that toxic world.

What do you like?

What do you love?

Was trashy TV of football GUILT FREE!

Alone can be a gift if we give ourselves the chance to really, I mean really enjoy it.

So do get in touch if you’re having a wobble about being alone or lonely, it doesn’t have to be for a lifetime of sessions, it can just be for a pick me up, or a chance to understand what it is you want, more often than not, if we have been groomed to be in a relationship where we are not ‘allowed’ to have needs, knowing what we actually want when we are out a relationship can be really tough, so it can be useful just to talk stuff through and make life easier.

You can treat yourself to a book too perhaps?

The Unexpected joy of being single is a great start.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Unexpected-Joy-Being-Single/dp/1912023814/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=the+unexpected+joy+of+being+single&qid=1611190076&sr=8-1

On being kind.

Has anyone noticed we are in pandemic?

I mean really noticed?

Anyone been a bit kinder with the New Year’s Resolutions because of it?

Choosing to be gentle with ourselves, because all around us is this strange, anxiety- provoking, coronavirus, uncertain life.

I must say, there have been occasions where I have slipped too. Gone to bed late (thank you Netflix) and DEMANDED to myself that I should be up at sunrise the next day, walked the dog, done an exercise routine, eaten porridge with hand picked fruits (organic) of the forest, scattered with the latest good-for-you seeds and washed it all down with some kombucha and green tea (organic) meditated post breakfast and scribed the latest list of gratitudes….. Then, start a day’s work.

Hilarious.

The reality? I drag myself out of bed, as Bear (the pooch) can’t hang on any longer for his morning ablutions, (‘morning’ being a loose term). Post walk, I wash, dress, brush my teeth grab a tea or coffee and crack on hoping the neighbours aren’t judging the late hour of my curtain opening and let’s be under no illusions, if it wasn’t for Bear, I would rarely see outdoors… Or come to think of it, even fit through the door to get outside.

Since March I have had the luxury of being able to work from home, but also, similar to most, I have had the joy of spending it with my inner, undiluted self.

-Yep that one that wants me jogging 5k, 10k, the London Marathon, that one who wants me working every spare moment, because I am working from home and can keep… on… going.

I know her very well, and on occasions she can be super helpful, but most of the time she can be hell to live with, a nightmare teacher, a super bitchy acquaintance, the office bully and a really shit manager all rolled into one nightmare house mate in my head.

Her favourite words?

SHOULD
MUST
HAVE TO
GOT TO
NEED TO

Needless to say the above words cause nothing but resistance in my adult self, as much as they did in my child self. That voice, that Tracey? She’s a bitch of a bully, always concerned about what others think, fitting in to society; being a pillar of the community, with very little ability to actually care about me.

The great thing is, I know her, I know she’s there, waiting for that moment to pounce and kick me when I am down, should she sniff an element of failure.

So very rarely does she take me by surprise nowadays.

If you could think about your inner-bully- what would they look like?

What do they say to you and when?

Me? It most definitely happens when I am already feeling vulnerable, she just comes on in and ‘tries’ to give a good ‘ole kick, at the peak time when being gentle is so much more important.

Meanwhile in my mind, to offset that bully, I have my favourite character (but just as destructive in some ways), my little old lady who I call Gladys; she’s cute, sits by the fire with a big cup of tea and a plate of custard creams, she regularly pats the chair beside her and says, “Go on, have some biscuits, come *cwtch by the fire.” She regularly invites me to have what I WANT- no limits, because, to her, I deserve it- she loves me unconditionally, and that love has no limits and her gifts and her comfort, no limits….. (She really loves watching Netflix).

So for a while, I found myself oscillating between the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’, flip flopping my way through life.

The bully Tracey judging then pushing and pushing, or to escape that and find comfort, my old lady Tracey. There was no safe, secure, firm and fair, happy medium.

Since I realised that my mental self was crammed with these extremes, I have created a newer, ‘parent’ self in my mind- a kind, caring and wise self, for me she is very similar in my imagination to a mother nature type character- someone who I would love my older self to become.

She is generous in spirit and offsets my bully, who says “You SHOULD” and she says, “Is this for you?”, ”Is this the right time to do that?” She moderates what I need and want, giving me permission to look after myself and put what suits me best, first.

And perhaps that involves NOT staying up till 2am watching another episode on Netflix, so I can get up, NOT at the crack of dawn, but at least in single figures at a time that suits my needs best. She helps moderating my visits to the kitchen fridge, she holds the balance, so I can treat my lockdown as a safe sanctuary.

Or, if I need to, after a particularly harrowing or busy day, I have her permission to stay up late, using the familiar comfort of Netflix to zone out with Gladys, knowing I can be gentle with myself the following day. Or have the rare day with my bully, just getting things done with a bit of pushing.

None of it all the time, but in moderation to my needs and gently, because we are in a pandemic.

So if you are living with a bully in your mind- keep an eye out for them, and perhaps find someone to offset that bully in a firm but fair way. Create the characters in your mind’s eye, give them names and personalities, clothe them; imagine them having conversations, see what works best for you.

We are living in extraordinary times when there is the unknown all around us, this isn’t time to be harsh with ourselves, it a great time to understand who we are and what are our healthy limits.

Hypnotherapy sessions don’t have to be about trauma, but can be about listening to ourselves in a safe and secure environment, to create the changes we need or want.

Even if it’s a one off session here and there to keep that bully at bay, just get in touch.

You’re doing ok, hang in there.

07976629098 / hypkids@gmail.com

Suzanne Vega, you rock.

1985, I was 15 when I first heard this song, loved it.

This track made sense to me in all sorts of ways, but primarily? The silent longing, the outward longing….The longing and there’s me, a love- tortured 15 year old, listening to her tape recorder in her bedroom, making sense of how the world isn’t the fairytale that I had read in all those books growing up.

Skip 30 years later, the song still resonates for much more grown up reasons, knowing what I know about toxic dynamics and the unrelentless pain and loneliness they can cause.

And for me? This still beautiful song echos the love the empath has for the Narcissist, how the empath tries but just cannot reach the person they see & feel beyond the veneer.

It also shows the hopelessness of the endeavour, that even though it may feel like a fairytale, there’s no fairytale ending, just the painful reality of roles that cannot be transcended.

No matter what we see, what we feel, if the other person does not want to be reached, does not want to meet us halfway, our unrequited love can only serve to hurt us.

The great gift of being an empath? We are able to love anyone or anything, so as such, learning ways to be selective is really important, and knowing we don’t have to settle for something that hurts us.

So to anyone suffering in a toxic relationship, please have a listen and a read of the lyrics.

You can be loved and you are loveable - don’t settle for less.

The Queen and the Soldier.

Suzanne Vega

The soldier came knocking upon the Queen's door
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more"
The Queen knew she'd seen his face someplace before
And slowly she let him inside

He said, "I've watched your palace up here on the hill
And I've wondered who's the woman for whom we all kill
But I am leaving tomorrow and you can do what you will
Only first I am asking you why"

Down in the long narrow hall he was led
Into her rooms with her tapestries red
And she never once took the crown from her head
She asked him there to sit down

He said, "I see you now, and you are so very young
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
And I've got this intuition, says it's all for your fun
And now will you tell me why?"

The young queen, she fixed him with an arrogant eye
She said, "You won't understand, and you may as well not try"
But her face was a child's, and he thought she would cry
But she closed herself up like a fan

And she said, "I've swallowed a secret burning thread
It cuts me inside, and often I've bled"
He laid his hand then on top of her head
And he bowed her down to the ground

"Tell me how hungry are you? How weak you must feel
As you are living here alone, and you are never revealed
But I won't march again on your battlefield"
And he took her to the window to see.

And the sun, it was gold, though the sky, it was gray
And she wanted more than she ever could say
But she knew how it frightened her, and she turned away
And would not look at his face again

And he said, "I want to live as an honest man
To get all I deserve and to give all I can
And to love a young woman who I don't understand
Your highness, your ways are very strange"

But the crown, it had fallen, and she thought she would break
And she stood there, ashamed of the way her heart ached
She took him to the doorstep and she asked him to wait
She would only be a moment inside

Out in the distance her order was heard
And the soldier was killed, still waiting for her word
And while the Queen went on strangely in the solitude she preferred
The battle continued on.

Photo by Lee Blanchflower on Unsplash

The dreaded BINGE.

Most of us are facing the lock down number two, and while it’s lovely being cosy and snug and not commuting in the rain and the cold. What is not so lovely is being under 20 feet from the kitchen and ‘fridge TV’.

It is just SO easy to take a break from home-working or managing the kids to go look in the kitchen cupboards or to stand vacantly in front of the glow of the fridge light looking for something delicious to break the monotony of the day; invariably there’s nothing delicious, so anything will do, those stale crackers could be pepped up with a good helping of butter and cheese….

But what if there IS something delicious, lots of delicious things in fact and you’re all alone and there is just no-one but yourself to stop you?

May the binge begin.

You told yourself shopping that you wouldn’t and this time you would eat sparingly, do it differently, but that was during the day and now it’s dark, you’re knackered, fed up and, well, there all that food is.

So what we know is, the same behaviour = the same outcome.

So perhaps it is worth doing something a little differently?

1. Give yourself permission to binge- A huge motivator is self loathing, so what would happen if it was Okay to actually binge?

2. Mid-binge have a small break, take yourself to a mirror and go and smile at yourself, say out loud words of encouragement; talk about your successes in life, then give yourself permission to go back to bingeing, if you are still enjoying it. If not, do something that you may enjoy instead, perhaps a bath or a shower, chuck on some music or listen to a TED talk.

3. Do not promise to starve yourself the following day whilst you are eating, you do not deserve further punishment.

4. What could you do that would be kind to yourself? What would you say to your best friend if she was in pain? Kindness is always the key.

5. Have a think, when you have a moment about what a good enough parent would say, how would they hold firm and fair boundaries? Would they want you to eat a healthy meal first? This could always be a first ‘go to’ option, some healthy and delicious meal? Perhaps, if you selected yourself some really scrumptious meals, you may not look for calorie dense binge choices.

In all of this, we are living through a pandemic, these are unusual times, and if it means eating a delicious lasagne with salad and garlic bread, do it!

-You can bet your bottom dollar, it’s less calories than bingeing a crate of Ben and Jerry’s.

Top tips aside, if you do want to make a difference with your relationship with food, and yourself, nothing beats bespoke therapy as we are all so different and there are so many threads to why we eat what we eat. If your pocket doesn’t stretch to the cost of therapy it is worth having a look at Geneen Roth’s books:

Amazon.co.uk, Geneen Roth, Compulsive eating.

But a great couple of starting points would be:

-Keep an eye on your shopping, treat yourself to healthy, delicious foods, a pandemic is not the time to make dramatic changes where you suffer more.

-Create a relationship to food diary; write about your food as though your food is your partner- is that partner treating you well, and nourishing your needs like a friendship? Or is it a toxic, abusive partner that wants you to feel unhappy and ‘lesser than’ ? -That applies to all foods, not just the ones saved for the binge.

Once you have your relationship penned down, have a look through the feelings and have a little think about why you are choosing to feel this way, and there, is where the work begins. No one deserves to feel shitty, especially at the moment.

When you are delving into these dark feelings, treat yourself afterwards to something to break the darkness, put on a great film or power song or do something that you consider to be a treat - that doesn’t go in your mouth.

If you can consistently punish yourself with food, you have more determination than people who don’t. You can do this!

Lastly,

Be kind, be firm and fair, be your own ‘good enough’ parent.

Photo by Henley Design Studio on Unsplash

Doing the right thing -Guest blog

Doing the right thing is hard.

I'm nostalgic for a time when impulsivity was met with little to no resistance, when the consequences were merely minor details to be dealt with at a later date by a different version of myself. One who knew better but didn't always do better.

It's fun to do the wrong things, even if you know you'll get hurt in the end, whether it's soon or later - sooner or later aren't now, they're distant future memories.

I know in my heart that I do not want to cause myself pain.

Resistance is only fun until reality strikes with an open palm once more. As I hit the floor and finally look up to see the unavoidable truth, the feelings I was trying to avoid wash over me tenfold.

I'm paralysed.

I will fix myself by repeating the same formula until something has to give.
I can convince myself of many things, but underneath, I always know the truth which is why I become obsessed with convincing myself of the lie.

'It will be OK, I will be OK, I can do this thing and it will be fine, right? I'm good now, I can handle this. I can be this person I've never really had any long term evidence of me being simply because I have decided it is so.'

If only I had listened, if only I'd learned.

And it will always be fine, it will always be OK, but do I want it the easy way or the hard way?

Do I want to favour short term satisfaction and long term discomfort over short term needing, no, wanting and delayed gratification with a bigger, more rewarding payout.

How many times do I have to learn?

Ultimately, I have to practice living with myself. I have to accept who I am, all my faults, all the parts of me that don't work the way I think they should (and who am I to say?) and work with them rather than against them.

I should not conspire against my weaknesses and be stubborn enough to think that self-will and desire alone are enough to overcome parts of me that are entrenched.

It would be nice to have the things I think others have, but what about the things I have?

They're enviable too.

Patience is a virtue and good things come to those who wait, but sometimes, in the quiet seas of change, I wish I could make it safe to be a hurricane.

Photo with thanks to: Chinh Le Duc

Tell anxiety to, “F@*k Right Off ” with Hypnotherapy, and if you can’t do it with Hypnotherapy, do it yourself.

Remember that saying, “The devil makes work for idle hands.” - The same goes for idle minds.

Ok so, you wake up one day and you’re anxious.

What do you do?

It might be that it doesn’t happen first thing, it may be that it hits you suddenly in the shower (not uncommon), but nonetheless, it wasn’t there before but now it’s in every cell, just waiting for the quiet moments to kick in.

In most cases we can wait for the surge of anxiety to pass and most of the time it does.

Our rational mind concludes that we haven’t slept properly or haven’t been eating properly or are downright understandably anxious, after all, most intelligent folk are suffering from the BREXIT fallout and those future times of uncertainty. Now, on top of that, we are dealing with a strange and complicated present, who knows what is certain with going back out into society, who knows what the future and even present impact of Coronavirus is? We have been living our lives with regularity and relative ease and then, “Bam!” out of the blue comes a virus that locks-in The world

- Who knows what else could happen?

When we consider that, quite probably, the world as we have known it will change for all of us, maybe in a small or huge way. Is it a surprise that we feel anxiety tugging on what underpins us? Our safety, and our security; long gone is expecting that things will be, in the main, predictable and therefore comfortable, suddenly this thing has happened that questions EVERYTHING. -Not just for one of us, but for the whole world!

Life (predictably) probably won’t be predictable for little while longer, so how do we manage it?

A couple of helpful insights to kick into action would be;

Digging deep - looking at how we deal with things at our best, and incorporating the new ways gently and easily.

• Who am I when I am being successful?

• What do I do differently?

Some of the basics have been lost over lock down, because they are easily lost (as we are great at adapting).

Perhaps the basics are actually some things that we do resonate with success and power, and while hypnotherapy can address the associations long-term, in the meanwhile we can work to feeling successful and tapping in to our power associations.

Do I dress to impress anymore? Do I wake up early? Do I catch up with my friends enough? and most importantly, am I washing, brushing my teeth / shaving and actually getting out and getting my heart rate up?

We are all victims of society at present, and we can choose how we want to be, knowing that.

Do we want to be submissive and withdraw into a weakened position where we allow the fear to take control? Or do we want to be able to stand up to our anxiety, and tell it to, “F@*k right off”?

Society will be this way for a while and of course, we are human and likely to feel our fear in quiet times BUT we ARE human and we are awesome at adapting, so let’s crack on with positive adapting!

Are we a ‘doer’? If so, we need a project to ‘do’. A thinker? We need a project to think about- be those projects creative or educational, we live for action. If we haven’t got a project that satisfies ‘all’ of us, find one, change what we are doing.

There is little we can do in the face of uncertainty and unpredictability, especially when work identities have changed and life identities altered, so the only control we have is being in the present and working on ourselves, right here, right now.

So why not move beyond that fear layer and tap in to our strengths and develop an attitude that fits us best, use our life skills- we have got to this point with all of our qualities, let’s use them to move forward.

Hypnotherapy can help with bringing out your warrior, why not give it a go?

Call: 07976629098

Email: Hypkids@gmail.com

Coronavirus times.

A big shout out to everyone looking after each other! Who knew we could be so thoughtful staying at home?

I am writing this in what is hopefully the final weeks of the lockdown. My FOMO (fear of missing out) has been completely abated knowing that everyone is missing out, phew. However, in the last couple of days it’s been replaced with FONGATHJD (fear of not getting all the household jobs done).

So here am I, rocking my Covid19, Self-styled hair, still looking at the skirting board that still needs painting, still thinking about washing my lampshades (never gonna happen), I still haven’t done a Joe Wicks, and still not created that stunning piece of art for Grayson Perry. *sigh.

Joe Wicks

https://www.channel4.com/press/news/graysons-art-club

I have however, drunk and eaten…. Why is it that the world of food has totally dominated the household? I wonder if the initial food supplies issues have triggered everyone subtly to have their cupboards stocked for the just in case. It seems what took 20 mins in the past has been replaced with hours. Hours of shopping, prepping, cooking, eating, only to be done all over again in another couple of hours.

I think that’s most certainly ordinary, for a while now all of us have been totally living in the present- the future scary- a huge, blank unknown, we don’t have any future anchors to pull us away from our present thoughts and feelings, holidays no longer booked, scheduled visits to friends out the window and unreachable, so it makes sense that the present is expanding, tasks are expanding to fill the present.

It makes sense that diets have rapidly departed with no, beach body pressure or even if we will have a working body. Sometimes it is really important to let go and know that some things are circumstantial, and it is really important to give ourselves a break, a mental break from all the nagging voices.

So if you are at home and bullying yourself for last night’s glass(es) of wine or binge-bar of chocolate, just for the moment say bollocks to the voice, because you are doing THE most important thing, you are SURVIVING.

So future plan when your future becomes clearer and while you are busy surviving, treat yourself to a big helping of kindness…. In whatever shape or form that looks like, it won’t be long till the wheels get put back on.

I’ve popped a little youtube for a bit of background below…

Maslow’s Need’s Triangle.

Photo by Sophie Elvis on Unsplash

5 Top cat tips to sit on the face of anxiety.

Excerpts from The (almost) popular book, Being Mostly Cat.

Cats are selfish, self-centred, self-serving, generally all round Narcissists, yet we LOVE them. Having had a chat with a few top cats on the street, I asked them what the key to their successes were, the premier five are below. The book, if you want a little piece of joy in your hand, can be discovered just here…

Cat tip 1

Make YOU a priority- chances are, if you suffer with anxiety, you’re bottom of the pile when it comes to meeting your own needs. In small and simple steps, begin gently taking time for you.

Cat tip 2

Sometimes when we are in overwhelm and we just cannot stop the internal chatter, override it! Get your favourite song on, a song to invoke memories of joy then, SING ALONG! that way we are listening to our words as well the music- double whammy to happiness! Or at least a few minutes escape- enough time to recharge and reboot.

Cat tip 3

Ok, so it may seem basic, but if the sun is shining, grab that time, Vitamin D nature’s gift can help to stave off anxiety- it is well documented that so many of us in the UK lack this simple vitamin in the colder, rainy weather.

If you can, get away to the sunshine, think about how holidays could work better for you, small breaks instead of the standard two weeks, grab the sunshine!

Cat tip 4

The mind can’t really concentrate to full effect for much longer than 20mins, so take that break, get up, stretch have a doze, yawn, walk around- shake your body from dormant and give your brain a rest, a little power booster does the world of good and you can come back to your work feeling bang on point! Yay!

Cat tip 5

Appreciate just how much sleep YOU need, this may not be the same as your family and friends and it may be that everyone has different styles, take time out to think what it is you need. - What’s more, it’s not a competition to be the most knackered in the room, no awards get won, so really get to know yourself and your sleep.