Narc Buzz. A small dictionary of pop-psyche terms.
The topic of Narcissism is beguiling and sure enough, social media, popular psychology have created weird and wonderful definitions around the Narcissistic behaviour and the variety of Narcissism available (back in the day there was only one type of Narcissist- although that has always been on the spectrum of how deeply affected someone is), but hey, I am older than Google.
So hopefully this blog is a useful insight into some of the current terms used.
The pain that Narcissistic abuse causes is rarely a surface pain, it penetrates deeply like a hot lazer because it goes through our built up layers of love education, usually from our formative years of pleasing a parent or the parents- so when it happens to us, the not good enough layers of pain and protection all get affected.
We don’t have to be scarred by just a romantic relationship, it can be a friendship, a work relationship- the reason so often than not, the Narcissistic abuse is more prevalent with romantic relationships is that we let them in and we can let them in deeply.
It’s not easy to manage the hurt or heal from the pain, but you can. Your heart can heal, and then we can create ways to protect that beautiful you going forward.
For a few years I worked with the Echo society, if you need a recommendation do look to them:
https://www.theechosociety.org.uk/events-1/face-face-counselling
Should you wish to watch anyone on Youtube, I would recommend:
Doctor Ramani would be a good choice, closely followed by Professor Sam Vaknin- they both bring their own personality and insights but they are the most reliable of people to watch.
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani
https://www.youtube.com/@samvaknin
Narcissist - A person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. We all have a healthy dose of Narcissism so it is important we trust we are not seeing someone at their worst point before making any judgements. But those who know, know…Sadly.
Narcissism - Narcissistic personality disorder; one of several types of personality disorders - a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, (grandiosity) a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others… We know that in the U.K this is approximated at 0.6% of the population… There are 62? 68? Million in the UK, including the old and young, so it is unlikely that we will meet too many.
Malignant narcissism - A term used to describe a person who has symptoms of both narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder. Combined, these disorders can show up as arrogance, a need for power and recognition, and tendencies to use or exploit others for selfish reasons. Like the stats above on Narcissism, again this is quite rare, interestingly the results go from 0.6% in the population up to 2.2% in prisons… For the less intellegent people who get caught :)
Agentic Narcissism - Base their global self-evaluations of high self-importance, entitlement, and social power, on unduly inflated views of their own agency (e.g., intelligence, creativity, and scholastic aptitude). Scholarly Universities will enable this hierarchical entitlement behaviour.
Covert / Vulnerable / closet Narcissism - Someone who has the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but displays these behaviours in more subtle ways, so you may find you are accommodating their needs without realising or making sure they are satisfied before anyone else, least of all your needs being met.
Vulnerable Narcissism - A type of narcissist that tends to be highly self-conscious, insecure, and hypersensitive to rejection. They oscillate between feeling inferior and superior to others, and they become easily offended, anxious, or even hostile when they're not put on a pedestal. These are the people who ‘expect’ to be attended to because they are less fortunate than others in one way or another.
Overt Narcissism - Characterised by grandiose, attention seeking and entitlement, with an 'inflated' sense of self which is commonly expected of. They are arrogant and preoccupied with fantasies of being successful with wealth and power… These are the classic, expected Narcs that we see on TV programmes usually.
Antagonistic Narcissism - A subtype of overt narcissism. With this aspect of narcissism, the focus is on rivalry and competition. Some features of antagonistic narcissism include: arrogance. tendency to take advantage of others. Imagine an outgoing gangster on the Sopranos or suchlike.
Communal Narcissism - Communal narcissists often believe they have excellent social skills and high degrees of like-ability and helpfulness. Think your A-typical cult leader or the school’s PTA Chair…
Red Flags - The danger signs, when in the early stages and when in doubt ask them, the fundamental basic needs of any relationship is feeling safe, and being able to communicate your needs. So, when in doubt, ask.
Grandiosity - Believing you are impressive and imposing in appearance or style, pretentiously so, usually displaying a pompous superiority.
Inflated - Egotism; believing there is no-one better than you and you are the best person for every and all jobs.
Selfishness - Sometimes there is no intent, no machiavellianism, just an innocent “All I think about is myself'“, they don’t necessarily expect the world to revolve around them, but they just crack on with giving themselves what they want- regardless of other’s needs.
Supply - The Narcissistic version of love, this is labelled supply because it is seen as a limited resource by the Narcissist (as they are only prepared to give so much) and because supply is a limited resource, the behaviour revolves around scarcity.
Love bombing - The action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them… But this can again, also be an innocent behaviour, one that arises from a lack of impulse control, so it is important to judge the love bombing (sadly) by the next stage; the devaluing.
Gaslighting - Psychological abuse in which a person or group causes someone to question their own sanity, memories, and/ or perception of reality. If you experience gaslighting you may feel confused, anxious, or as though you cannot trust yourself… It is this dynamic that causes so much doubt or pain in both the original experience but also after a while this can knock your self esteem all over the place, so finding your core again after going through this horrid treatment is so important.
Hoovering - A manipulation tactic used to “suck” victims back into toxic relationship cycles. Someone who hoovers fears that their target will “get away” from them, so they may engage in love bombing, feigning crises, stalking, or smear campaigns in order to suck up all their target's time, energy, and attention. This can usually happen when they get bored with their victim after you, and you may be contacted for excitement and stimulation or simply to have more control over their current victim.
Flying monkeys - ‘abuse by proxy,' or having someone else perform the bidding of another person. These people are usually coerced with propaganda and tend to be innocent and unaware, they become manipulated with intention.
CPTSD - Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (complex PTSD, sometimes abbreviated to c-PTSD or CPTSD) a condition where you experience some symptoms of PTSD along with some additional symptoms, such as: difficulty controlling your emotions. feeling very angry or distrustful towards the world. Sometimes when being hurt is so continual that it becomes your ‘norm’ it is harder to recover and learn to trust again, we are constantly on the cusp of anticipating innocent actions hurting us.
Fawning - a trauma response where a person develops people-pleasing behaviours to avoid conflict and to establish a sense of safety. This can especially be seen in adults of a difficult childhood where a parent was either over demanding or emotionally difficult to manage.
Trauma bonding - a connection between an abusive person and the individual they abuse. This is reflective of an attachment created by repeating physical or emotional trauma with positive reinforcement. It can be really hard to spot and even harder to break free from… “they don’t mean to hurt me, they have low self esteem, they don’t know what they are doing…”
Grey rock - A metaphor for a way to deflect or defuse further abuse; when a person who is enduring abuse purposely acts as boring as possible during encounters with their abuser. This in effect is withdrawing the excitement from the situation by being agreeable (fawning) in the face of conflict and not imposing an alternative opinion, or simply saying nothing.
Scapegoat - The person who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others, they are likely to accept the label as by being labelled as such means you escape being identified with the toxic behaviour, in some ways it is easier to escape a dynamic when you are scapegoated than when you are favoured, as you are more likely to question what is going on.
Golden child - Favoured or the favourite’ usually held in high esteem, and for whom there are high hopes. It is quite possible for this projection to be internalised in the creation of further Narcissistic behaviour. However quite often when we are being positively reinforced as the golden child we don’t realsie there can be issues… Why would we?
Although there is a note here, there can very easily be two scapegoats and two golden children in a family where there are two siblings
Triangulation - This is where two people get played off each other so that the Narcissist can get the best out of both of the others (remember that they believe supply is limited?) It makes sense if you think supply is going to run out to play people off against each other …gaining not only both of their attentions but creating an environment where they compete and most likely dislike each other. Triangulation can be a significant reason for hoovering.
No contact - No communication with; space and time apart from the other.
Next level, NO contact - This is where Hypnotherapy can be very useful as this is around navigating our thoughts… No contact is no emotional contact, no thinking about contact, no revenge, (yes, we all feel that one) no “setting the story straight”, no, thinking about, “If i did XYZ I could get this outcome” This is super hard but essential in the pathway of recovery.
HSP - Highly sensitive person; a neurodivergent who is thought to have an increased or deeper central nervous system sensitivity to physical, emotional, or social stimuli. Some refer to this as having sensory processing sensitivity. There is a note here, that sometimes if you have a HSP they could also become on the Narcissistic scale and need their high sensitivity be accounted for before anyone else in the room gets a look in.
Empath - a person with an advanced ability to perceive the mental or emotional state of another individual, this can be due to nature or nurture (or a bit of both). Nature being the talents we are born with, some people can naturally be good empaths like people who are naturally good at Maths, or nurture- where you grow up from an early age in a toxic environment so you have to develop spidey senses to keep you safe.
Codependency - Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on another, this amongst other things is based in lack of responsibility; learning to take responsibility and heal our hurt self esteem.
Sometimes people’s talents lay in social media, it doesn’t mean they are good therapists … Or even therapists, so do check on those people who do not have a social media presence, those working outside of Instagram, as they are the people in the field, doing the work. Social media is a great place to introduce yourself to Narcissism, the recovery from Narcissistic abuse is nowhere near as glamorous as social media shows, it is a world of reeducation through tears, grief and disbelief more often than not.
Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash